As I write this, Rebel the dog is sitting on the couch with me in my four seasons room. I took him out several times today and he finally whizzed on my kitchen linoleum floor. With a pocket door, I’m able to close off my kitchen from the rest of the house. Tomorrow I will use the used paper towels that are in the big garbage outside to put in the grass and see if he can learn to go out there.

The breeder came to my parents’ house around 1pm. We had the dogs in the family room. I think they all peed on the carpet because we didn’t let them pee outside first after the long car ride.

My older brother and his family were there as well, they are cat people. Originally, my parents were looking at another dog but he seemed a bit more rambunctious than the youngest of the three dogs. My heart was already set on Rebel. My parents decided to go with the more calm dog and keep him right away.

The breeder seemed a bit emotional leaving Rebel with me. I’ll take good care of him. Crating a dog at night is not something I did with Earl (my previous dog) but I intend to carry it through. I intend to keep my bed as a humans-only zone.

Rebel is so tired, so hopefully he does well in his crate tonight. I’ll be waking up bright and early to try the whizzing thing outside.

On the eve of getting a dog, I’ve been going to pet stores to look at dog supplies. Today before work, I walked into Petsmart to look through the aisles at dog products. I did not end up buying anything because everything seemed overpriced. Instead I went to Walmart and bought two ceramic bowls meant for people for water and food bowls. I also bought some cheap blankets to pad the wire crate I had bought after meeting Rebel in Fond du Lac.

I need to buy a pet carrier for the car, a brush, a bed, etc. I also just pulled out my old dog’s collar and leash from the keepsake box after he passed. I’m not about to overspend on things just because brands/companies can get away with it.

With Rebel eating a special Wisconsin-based dog food, I’m going to try Pet Supplies Plus for some dig supplies. We shall see if they are more reasonable.

Last night another purchase to the home supply list was a snow shovel. Green Bay had at least one inch of snow and I didn’t have a shovel. Thankfully my new neighbors plowed the sidewalk.

After work I went to the store and bought a shovel and pet-friendly salt. I shoveled my driveway and walkway around eight-thirty at night.

Tonight I went to the gym to run off stress. I didn’t think I would be able to get the more than three miles I ran. It was definitely a good idea. This was the first gym visit since turning thirty-five on Monday. Now home, I’m thinking about what I need to do to dog-proof my house. Also today, my younger brother proposed to his girlfriend in Puerto Rico where they met working during the rebuilding effort.

In eighth grade history class, I wrote “hell raiser” on my notebook against the warnings of my teacher. I argued with the student teachers who were in classes full of snotty teenagers as the teachers left the room to do things not dealing with..snotty teenagers. I had attitude. In eighth grade study hall I would get in trouble for talking. Nowadays, none of this is usual behavior. I can’t pinpoint the reason behind the extrovert-introvert shift.

In Middle School, cold lunch and hot lunch were separated into gym versus cafeteria. The gym people sat on the floor, the cafeteria people sat at tables like civilized beings. I sat in the cafeteria with kids not necessarily my friends with my cold lunch. There I was introduced to goth clothes and Marilyn Manson. It was a splitting of friends and interests. I began to explore the fluidity of gender identity. I painted my nails with white-out and colored them with marker, scraping it all off with a scissors in the last class of the day.

I think maybe my parents thought that the death of my grandfather affected me more than it actually did. They had me sit in on some grief group for a few days in the office. I cried when I found out he died but what kid wouldn’t cry when their mother was inconsolable?

I failed 8th grade. My best friend from elementary school became popular and I became more of a sidekick. I had to get my parents not to hold me back. I took a two week class before high school began as a transition into high school. One of the boys I went with who wiped his pizza hands on his pants died in a car accident years later in a snowstorm after going to a ballroom dance. I went to one of those funerals, wrote a note to the family that their child would be the catalyst for breaking free from this introversion. It wasnt the case. A few years after that, I worked up the courage to ballroom dance for three years.

In middle school Spanish class we had to record ourselves speaking Spanish. This may not have been the beginning but it’s burnt itself in my memory.

I did well my first year of high school. Although I was in a remedial math class. I remained friends with the less popular kids that were in band class or homeroom. Really though, I had become a bump on a log. I was Darlene from Roseanne, never leaving the couch, watching Darlene lay on the couch. I went home and hibernated in front of the television watching Golden Girls reruns. Women in the last years of their lives had more life, adventure, and excitement than I did as a teenager. I have wasted so much time, maybe that’s why I don’t want to waste anymore trying to fit in with others even in making the smallest sacrifices between things I think are a waste of my time.

Conversations that never happened seem to be a flood in my brain. I’ve recognized so many after-the-fact moments where I would have said something that would have been bad timing.

My silence has always been supported by my own justifications of what the effects would have been had I said something stupid or in bad taste. Like bullets I can’t take back when shot at the wrong people or the right people at the wrong time. This is a different story with my writing. I am unapologetic in what I write. I do not detract my honest words when written down on some form of written medium.

To look around in a room, I wasn’t gifted with cookie cutter symmetry even though I spent so much effort trying to blend into the crowd. It’s such a pity to want to be the same as a child and different as an adult. So much energy wasted. The bullets you can’t put back. But maybe that’s a good thing. To be aimed and cocked and serious without warning.

Another anniversary of birth comes and I become older in the concept of time. I am now 35 and seemingly the most stable in as many aspects of my life as I have been in the past. I bought a home to become a part of a community. I want to become a mover and a shaker in the surrounding area.

Today, after showing my appreciation to my coworkers through birthday cakes, one was made for me. I was also ceremoniously “cake smashed” as is tradition at my workplace. Red frosting doesn’t go well with a white dress shirt. All of the clients were asked to tell me one thing they thought I should do for my birthday. Most responses were going to the movies or eating out somewhere. Staff suggestions were also pretty typical.

I’m sitting on the kitchen floor…again. I’ve been in this space before, back in my apartment probably close to one year ago. Back then was when I realized that my desires for my life meant that I didn’t get to sit down and rest. I still have those feelings on this thirty year old linoleum floor that is now mine. I don’t have time to rest or play games. For the most part, I know exactly what I want my life to look like, I just need to lay it all out and add the verb, add the action!

-Relentless Advance

This morning, bright and early, I raked leaves in the backyard. It was a lot of work. My plan is to mow them and bag them.

Today I met my future dog! He is a retired show dog and he is six years old. He is so calm and I never heard him bark for the whole time I was with him. I met the breeder at a Petsmart in Fond du Lac. I even got to hold him. His name is Rebel.

After I was done with the dog visit and questions, I went in to Petsmart to buy a kennel/crate. Then I went to the Fond du Lac lighthouse and attempted some unique angles. After my photos, I went to an outlet store to buy some scents for winter (my version of winter fires). Then I went to JC Penney and looked for clearance dress clothes. Macy’s had some rhinestone loafers that I almost bought purely for my birthday tomorrow. I couldn’t justify $90.00 loafers. The mall closed while I was shopping.

I wrapped the day up with laundry and ice cream.

I woke up early today so I could assist my parents in stacking at least two cords of firewood for the winter. My parents love their winter fires. After stacking wood, I went to Menards to buy specific lamp shades and look at closet construction materials for my spare bedroom. I then went to Home Depot to buy some window coverings. I was waiting for a worker to help trim some shades but I gave up and went with a temporary DIY in the bathroom.

At Home Depot, I bought sample bottles of two gray paints. The first gray was “gray frost” and the second one was “stargazer”. I thought “gray frost” was going to be perfect for the living room but it’s perfect for the bedroom, as it seems to have a blue tint to it. It looks like “stargazer” is going to work for the living room.

As soon as I returned home, I started raking leaves in the front yard. It was already dark out so I felt a bit like the weird neighbors from the movie, “The Burbs.” Raking in the dark was peaceful though. Then I decided to eat pancakes and ice cream while watching, “We Are Marshall.” Tomorrow I’m supposed to go see a lady about a dog!