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A Big Fat Zero

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Zero out of ten photos I submitted to the Wisconsin State Fair were selected for first through fourth place ribbons. It’s times like these that I go back to words by poet Michael Lee about the high number of rejections on the path to your goals. We live in a social media world where people generally only talk about their successes. I have a lot of admirers of my photography and I’ve made a few dollars here and there. My high attention to detail serves me well in photography. My quiet disposition not so much in the networking realm. Introvert researcher and author Susan Cain tells other introverts to find kindred spirits and network with that one person. 

I say that I am bummed at these results but I also have a photo in the local museum right now. A photo that also hangs in ThedaCare’s Encircle Health Mammography department with other older photos of mine. I have photos in my office that offer quiet refuge from staring at a computer screen all day. I have a 16×20 in my car and a phone full of photos taken by cellphone camera and Sony DSLR.

I saw this state fair photo contest as a platform for getting my photography out there, more than the last two years where I’ve entered and received ribbons. Gary V on YouTube tells of not being fancy about things. “Just put it out there and let the market decide.” I guess thats what I need to do, what I continue to do. Stop being fancy, stop being in the planning phases, and get my stuff out there for the market to decide upon.

Darth V.A.T.E.R.

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Many years ago, when my father was still a juvenile justice social worker, I presented him with a poem I had written about his role as my advocate and an advocate for other children and families with disabilities. The idea of using Star Wars characters as metaphors in my poem I think got lost in translation.

Recently, the question of how his role as the advocate and caretaker (taking me to appointments) has affected our relationship arose. While I cannot control how I am perceived by others or how they feel, I would be hard pressed to understand the notion that I do not like, love, and find my father to be an amazing man who I will never be able to repay or thank enough. My parents are my biggest supports because I do not have time to interact with people that waste their time because they were never given a limited time to live.

Medical records reveal that I had pulled away from my parents when I was younger as both of them had taken me to appointments and surgeries. My father decided to be the bearer of difficult tasks and take me to appointments. Driving from Racine to Milwaukee, Appleton to Milwaukee, and Green Bay to Milwaukee. All of my surgeries and appointments were early in the morning, to have less of an impact on my academic progress. 

My parents did not allow medical professionals to dictate how I lived otherwise, I would have been another boy in a bubble not allowed to scribble on sidewalks or dabble at life but to hobble, wobble, and grovel in a learned helplessness.

I will never understand how parents plaster their children with disabilities all over the internet as a means of advocacy or networking. My parents always decided to keep me out of that world. Off the talk shows and away from the White House. Never wanting me to be a commodity in the marketplace of disability porn. If you’re not familiar, being an example of someone achieving despite challenges, to uplift people with less challenges. The old adage of “What’s your excuse?”

My father gave me his attention to detail, his researching mentality, and his tight-wad view of spending money. My dad started me in photography and writing and let me assist him in renovations around the house. Happy Father’s Day!

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Pride Cometh Before the Fall…June.

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As Milwaukee opens up Pride month this weekend…President Trump neglects to proclaim June Pride Month as did President George W. Bush. Except that in the Bush era, we still fought for many outcomes we have now reached and moved beyond. Such struggles included marriage equality and the repeal of DADT. We still have many more struggles to accomplish. President Trump’s inability to proclaim June as Pride Month signals the reactionary forces at work in the face of witnessing a revelation…a revolution.

​Dear child, I will make you a recipe for disaster and by the time you make it for your children, you will call it a revolution.

This recipe has been handed down through generations, adding little by little their casualties, their martydoms, and their small victories. There is no preparation needed, just small cayalysts and visionaries wiling to take action. In the end, no reparations to the time bombs ticking away in our chests. Time bombs that we took for hearts that yearned to feel unconditional love.
Our ticking time bomb hearts used to be misdiagnosed in how our love led to a death sentence. But while the band played on and die-ins littered the streets and presidents stood silent; friends, family, and strangers created agape; creating a community with a new ethos and a different canon.

People will try and tell you that this beautiful disaster is a dead recipe, a dead language. A fight for liberation is never dead. Others will try to convince you of lost causes in a world where inconvenience is a sin. People will tell you that civil convenience trumps civil disobedience and there is no greater sin than disturbing the peace and distracting from the dancing shadows on the cave wall.
When this recipe is done we decorate it with brilliant ribbonous colors. Red for life, orange for healing, yellow for sun, green for nature, turquoise for art, indigo for harmony, violet for spirit, and pink for sexual liberation. We will always be fighting for sexual liberation.
And look down here at the end of the recipe; there is no real finality, its your job to carry on with what may come as the next battle to be waged, the next wage to be equitied, the next color or gender or mutation or definition to be wrapped up in the fold of society’s acceptations.
Right now i can say that this is a beautiful disaster and we can only see it now pixel by pixel in the way time only tells whether a disaster arcs towards revolution. What will you make of this beautiful disaster turned revolution? Who will benefit from the actions you take on, the arms you take up in the social and political battlefields? How will society react to the progressive actions you create? And will you waste your breath responding to people who salute a pluralistic culture but don’t understand how it works in practice to the betterment of all?

Happy Pride!

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Return to Praise the Past

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I traveled to the northern portion of Milwaukee County for a training and stayed at a hotel on Port Washington Road. I strangely discovered that my old plastic surgeon/reconstructive surgeon was pretty much across the street.

In recent weeks, I’ve physically reconnected with people that I’ve been friends/acquaintances with for many years. It’s important to stay connected with people, especially in this tech era. As I’ve seen how much we miss through just social media contact.

The backstory. Having been born with craniofacial deformities, I was involved in care with Children’s Hospital’s craniofacial team for many years. My parents decided to pull me out as they had begun to see the effects on other families and the outcomes of other children. Children’s Hospital has since been my biggest trigger. I don’t even want to run across their name or logo.

My parents found a new surgeon (Dr. Roger Mixter) that listened to them and to me and worked within my parameters and within the trauma I had experienced through the early years of having surgeries once or twice a year since birth up into college.

I stopped in before my training and was lucky enough to get to sit down and chat for a few minutes. We even took a picture together. He showed me photography from his business partner’s nephew and from his own wife. I told him I’d send him one of my prints. I told him about this website and my Instagram. The first thing that popped up for the website was the photos from my 90 day challenge. It was great to be able to update someone who had helped me achieve my goals.

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Fail Forward Towards Success

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“In the end, only those who do not try lose.”

It’s the ‘end’ of my 90+ day challenge. I began on February 1st at 138.0 and weighed in at 131.4 on May 5th. My lowest weight was 129.4, last Saturday during my week long carb cut. May 4th was my half birthday, so my goal was to enter the second half of 32 in great shape. 

I use the word ‘end’ lightly because its the beginning of good weather season and I can still get down or remain where I am. The final week I had too many delicious carb foods and fell off my strict regiment. The end of my process was primarily cardio driven which really made my carb loading near the finish line useless. My head just wasn’t in the right place to finish strong. I’m also a perfectionist, so when I saw where I was going to end up versus where I expected to end, I slipped up. It’s that last line of my poem, “life is a beautiful struggle between who we expect to be and who we become.”

I intend to continue to push myself further towards success. It has been a whirlwind of hard work and persistence. Now I’m just happy being able to eat my two or three servings of plain oatmeal in the morning rather than six egg whites every morning. Buying a case of 60 eggs at the store is the closest I’ll ever get to feeling like a bodybuilder.

I’ll continue my regular commitment of gym time and work on getting stronger. At one point in 2015, I had reached the goal of a 200lb deadlift. It would be nice to get back to that level of strength with deadlift, squat, and bench.

Persistence on the Senses

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Yellow hues of artificial light in the kitchen. As I willfully try to keep the vertical blinds closed. Hinged on the confetti falling from a barely risen, nearly April sky. This is the sight of persistence.

An amalgamation of mahogany teak wood and the lingering aroma of last night’s Brussels sprouts fighting to escape into the apartment hallways’ collection of stove top concoctions. This is the smell of persistence.

Clutching on to the slick, cold laminate of the small breakfast bar to multitask myself into reading emails and charging my phone. This is the feel of persistence.

A palatal blend of almond butter and blueberry acai flavored caffeinated water lending a temporary feeling of satiation. Due to being too early for a proper breakfast. This is the taste of persistence.

Randomized popping noises from the refrigerator combined with the clicks of deadbolts as neighbors hustle to early morning obligations. This is the sound of persistence.

Alone in these elements, I persist.

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It’s a Math Game

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Technically it’s day 87 of my 90 day challenge and I am already in percentage points within 130 pounds. It’s the fifth low carb day in a row and it hasn’t been very difficult to manage as the finish line gets closer. I have kept my fat content at the absolute limit as a way to not feel the full effects of deprivation. Fat helps regulate how you feel. My go-to sources of healthy fat are almond butter and avocados. 

I’m pushing the finish line to May 4th to coincide with turning thirty-two and a half. Below is the ten day ritual I have gone through once before, two years ago. Today is Day 6. Through more experience and knowledge, I won’t be limiting salt or water intake near the end as they do not really dry you up. Your body compensates and contrary to all those fad diet claims, you can’t trick your body. Lowering your sodium intake simply causes your body to excrete less sodium. Salt also helps with vascularity to make those galaxies of veins that God gave me pop. Also, limiting your water intake actually puts reserves into the cells which is contradictory to the “dry” look one strives for when stepping on a stage.

Obviously I am not prepping for a show but again, the fun is in the challenge of pushing myself to reach a goal. Previously, I wrote a post about changing my goals as it looked like I was not going to achieve the weight goal I had set in the beginning. As it stands now, it is entirely feasible to reach my original goal of 128 pounds. And if you think that sounds like a drastic number, my BMI would tell you different. Clearly BMI is crap science, especially when you have some muscle mass. There is no way I could sustain this type of daily food and exercise regime.

My first splurge of “bad food” is going to be a Papa Murphy’s Chicken Garlic Pizza and about a dozen donuts. Although, that would screw up the importance of reverse dieting to slowly get back to normal macros.

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It’s All In The Angles

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A postcard from the State Fair came in the mail the other day. My goal for this year is to get three ribbons.

Yesterday I traveled to Waupaca and had lunch with a former grad school classmate. I left early to have some time to photograph some sights although my weakness in navigation proved to keep me just on time. A few shots after catching up, on my way back to town using my F1.8 50mm lens. 

And then some more starry night photos from Sunday.

Two Thousand Additional Inmates Per Year

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Experts predict that Wisconsin’s inmate population will grow by at least 2K this year due to tougher drunk driving laws. The DOC and state congressional teams have voiced their support for the possibility of leasing space in county jails as well as the possibility of contracting with private prison corporations to fill the immediate need for more space to house offenders.

As a social worker and a numbers guy who has knowledge of services and service limits in the community, it seems like we are hedging our bets on the side of institutionalization rather than providing services to help people who are more likely to be at risk of succumbing to the effects of economic downturns and limited availability of resources.

Recently the governor released a statement about testing recipients of state assistance programs who are going to be drug tested prior to receiving services. The governor implied that those who failed the tests would be given treatment services. Let’s be honest about what drug testing is intended to accomplish for those needing assistance programs.

It’s all smoke in mirrors to appease higher SES taxpayers. Being fiscally conservative is not a bad thing but its time to stop this “us vs. them” mentality in the availability of services and providing people with a hand to help them up rather than giving them boots without straps. 

In a previous post, I mentioned a solitary confinement cell being placed at a church in De Pere. Next week from April 30th to May 6th at the Presbyterian Church in De Pere, JOSHUA for Justice will have events coinciding with their replica. A similar replica was displayed at UW Fox Valley a few years ago although the events were primarily attended by people already aware of the issues. Please help other people become aware of the issues surrounding incarceration in Wisconsin and solitary confinement as a ethical and human rights issue.

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10+ Days to a Goal

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I challenged myself to the goal of a 90 day weight drop this year. I’ve done it in years prior. Having gone from 156 after graduate school to 135 slowly over the course of one year,  I now find it mentally difficult to put on any significant amount of weight without an end goal in sight. I would love to have bigger muscles but I too succumb to the pressures of body image and having a toned physical appearance.

I began my challenge on February 1st at 138lbs and with just under two weeks left, I am currently at 133.2lbs. Yesterday was a high carb and high fat day after getting together with a long-time friend for brunch. Yesterday I was at the 132.8 mark. I suspect stopping my daily creatine for two weeks will drain some water weight from the muscle tissue. Also, try as I might, I do periodically give in to the foods hovering around me at work, such as glazed donuts and corndogs.

I haven’t really found the happy medium between calories and fitness. If I don’t eat enough, my body holds on to the weight in starvation mode. I don’t eat back calories I lose at the gym and I don’t do  pre-workout meals. I also don’t take a pre-workout concoction of caffeine above my normal daily intake. I also don’t force myself to drink a ton of protein powder. If Myfitness Pal tells me I’ve reached 100 grams of protein for the day, I’m good. It’s difficult for me to desire to choke down four 56g scoops of whey isolate per day.

I’ve found that it is much easier to accomplish a goal when I have a deadline. I’m sure I haven’t put in my total energy into this goal but then again, I’m not doing it for a show or a competition. I’m doing it because I enjoy challenging myself and working on the process of developing something gradually towards an end that can be visibly shown.

So it’s the home stretch. I have a ten day regime that I follow that I have tweaked over the past two years after educating myself on the science of food and biology. Challenge ends on May 4th, my half birthday. I’m going to present something that ties into my piece, Life is Poetry.

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